A's Win Championship, Kern Shits Pants, Entire Board and Others in Need of Rehab   Subscribe via RSS

12/03/2008 12:00 AM :

Boston Avenue Athletic Club Headquarters- They've done it! Two and a half weeks ago the B.A.A.C. downed arch-nemesis D.T.U. and in doing so hoisted their first ever league championship...what ensued is either something to be extremely embarrassed about or the stuff of legends, it's all relative I guess.

It was truly fate that D.T.U. was the only thing standing between the Athletic's and their long overdue glory. D.T.U. fielded their finest 11 players and made it extremely apparent from the kickoff that it would take another top notch A's performance in order to gather the precious three point necessary in to be crowned champions. The A's were equal to the task.

"We were stunning two and a half weeks ago...I think" said A's captain Ben Fell

"All I really remember is that D.T.U. had a bunch of (good)players and that everything we tried came off without a hitch"

After 25 minutes of play the A's finally broke down the opposition's defense and a centering pass was neatly slotted home by clutch marksman Jason Ganus. Long spells of brilliant possesion failed to produce another goal but succeeded in keeping D.T.U.'s crafty forwards at bay.

Halftime 1-0.

Nerves appeared to creep in a bit as the A's finish line was now in sight. A back pass fell short of "Fuzz" Coleman and his massive presence was all that prevented the game from being equalized. The B.A.A.C. regained their composure and on 75 minutes Ganus came up trumps again, and by "trumps" I mean that Mikey Hawkins shot the ball off of his leg inside the six yard box. Nevertheless the two goal cushion was all the stingy Athletic's backline needed see the game out. They held serve and now your beloved Boston Avenue Athletic Club can forever be known as.......CHAMPIONS!

Final Score: 2-0

To understand the club is to know it's history. The B.A.A.C. (which at one point toyed with such names as "The Boston Stranglers" and "The Boston Boston Terriers") was firmly founded on the demented and totally debauched ideas of some of Tulsa's biggest drunks and dirt-dicks, so you can only begin to imagine how the post game championship celebration went down.

At the immediate conclusion of the match all of the players "ducked" a beer, and from there Danny Kern fucking took over. Danny had to be home by 3:00 p.m. because he and his lovely wife were hosting the weekly "Kern Dinner", so even heading up to the Mercury Lounge for one beer was going to be cutting it pretty close on time. Danny had 3 shots before any other player arrived to the bar. Upon other players arriving Kern finished beer after beer with the tenacity of starving rabid pit bull in butcher shop. As 3:00 neared President Dalesandro made the obvious executive decision of personally calling Danny's wife (for this the club would like to issue an official apology to Stephanie) and telling her that our game that had been over for an hour had gone to double sudden death overtime and Danny was unable to talk because he was on the pitch playing (biggest lie of all). During this time Danny had to be restrained from running into the street and petting a man with a hunchback. It gets better. At 5:45 (you know...as overtime was finishing) Danny Kern left older brother Andy with his tab and vanished. Disclaimer: The B.A.A.C. does not condone driving whilst intoxicated unless...you don't wreck and/or get a ticket. Once Danny's glowing presence had left, he was reached by phone to be further tapped up for glorious one-liners. Danny explained from the cavernous sound of his home bathroom that he gotten home and taken off his knee-length white sliders only to find that he had shit in his pants. The details of the shit will not be discussed at this time, but either way he was unable to stand up in the shower and furious wife Stephanie was forced to cancel "Kern dinner"...which sorta sucked because Danny had invited the entire team to attend and enough booze had been flowing to give the invitation a very intruiging quality.

The club led by McKenzie, Fell, and Dalesandro have not stopped drinking since that day November 16th, until now, at which point I wrote this article. Sorry about the delay.

Surprise article to be posted in one week.