R.I.P. Don Mallardo 1995-2009   Subscribe via RSS

11/18/2009 11:04 PM : BAAC Headquarters
Don Mallardo
 
Boston Avenue Athletic Club Headquarters- It is with very heavy hearts and very relieved livers that the B.A.A.C. confirm to our followers and friends worldwide that at 5:43 pm CST on November 10, 2009 the club's iconic token know simply as Don Mallardo has passed away.
 
Don Mallardo was the brainchild of former (and original) B.A.A.C. forward Christopher Martin, who, when searching for new ways to drink/chug beer coined a term and method know as "ducking" a beer. Martin had hollowed out a plastic decoy duck and cut the tip of the nose off so that a beer poured into the bottom of the duck could stream perfectly out of the nose. That duck...a mallard to be lovingly referred to as "Don Mallardo".
 
It took the average person six chugs to finish their beer in a duck. Some more, some less. The most important thing when doing a duck was that homage was paid. This was upon completion of the beer, by making your best/loudest/funniest/most accurate/most annoying duck call. A duck wasn't done until a duck call was made.
 
Don Mallardo called Tulsa home but was loved far and wide. He spent 2 years in Seattle and two more in Wichita, KS. He did 9 months in Stillwater, OK in a college town and he made trips to Chicago, St Louis, and Kansas City on more than one occasion. The places where Don Mallardo had been were massively outweighed by the places far and wide which people and friends would come for a beer from his beak. At last count people from 22 nations had chugged a beer from the mallard's spout. These stories/myspace pictures have spread for years and garnered the duck international recognition among beer chugging enthusiasts.
 
"People I had never met before would introduce themselves to me at a gathering and politely ask if they could 'do a duck from the famous Don Mallalrdo'."
 
said an inconsolable Sonny Dalesandro
 
"Of course you can sir. Of course you can"
 
"He really brought people together"
 
Over the past 14 years Don Mallardo played a key role in a number of household drinking games such as quarters, super quarters, flip cup, hi-lo/red-black, A Frog, Zoom-Schwartz-Figliano, and several others. He was used as a torturous drinking instrument and other times as the most coveted of prizes. Either way, an ill word was never spoken about the Don.
 
"I've pissed my pants because of that duck and I've gotten laid because of him too, nobody made the night get going like Don Mallardo."
 
said club secratary David Pennington
 
Don Mallardo
 
Don Mallardo's life didn't always consist of glamourous nights and countless wild parties. There are two well documented occasions of him going missing. The first was after the legendary summer of '97. When everyone went away to college in August it was assumed that he had been stolen after the last party of the summer and taken to some godforsaken frat house somewhere. This in fact was untrue. The duck was recovered in February of '98. Apparently on the night of that last party, the inflatable pool known throughout Tulsa as the "sex pool" had a bunch of people doing ducks in it (among other things) and when Don Mallardo was placed next to the pool...the pool shifted...from sex...and he was buried for 6 months.
 
"He was in pretty rough shape"
 
recalls Christopher Martin
 
"At the time he'd only been around for a little over a year or so, and our initial assumption was that he, along with half my cd collection was simply stolen. You can imangine our surprise and delight when we moved the pool (to ready the yard for a badminton court) to find the Don. I remember washing him with bleach twice and in the actual clothes washer once before I used dish soap. Usually we allowed a fresh beer to disinfect the unwashed duck, so manually cleaning him was a little foreign to me, nevertheless we were ecstatic he was back"
 
In September of '03 the Don's whereabouts again came into question.
 
"I had just moved houses and he was accidentally put into a box that went into my storage space in Skiatook Oklahoma"
 
said Dalesandro
 
"Nearly three months passed before I realized that that was most likely where he was. One special trip to storage later and order was restored."
 
The Summer of '04 brought forth a new purpose for Don Mallardo....the "Fun Ducker". During the now famous backyard croquet league of '04 Boone's farm became the drink of choice for the avid croquet fanatic. Be it melon ball, sun peach peak, or watermelon everyone was doin' it. Christopher Martin figured out that one Boone's farm contained roughly the volume of two beers. Martin poured half his Boone's farm into the duck and a star was born. "Fun Duckers" were, until 11/10/09, an extremely effective and delicious way to get obliterated. 
 
In Spring of '05 the Boston Avenue Athletic Club was formed. Though no mission statement has ever been officially posted, being out-of-control drunk presumably would comprise the majority of the declaration. This being said, Don Mallardo was immediately welcomed with open arms into the club. Always in attendance at matches (in a box with shin-gaurds and other slightly less useful items), players usually enjoyed a duck or several to help celebrate a victory or downed a couple to help ease the pain of a tough defeat. At one point the club sponsored a "Fun Ducker Challenge" wherein players competed for speed in a single elimination tournament. A good time was had by all. Especially Parker Collins who shocked everyone with his surprise victory.
 
Don Mallardo
 
In the Fall of '08, after 7 seasons of unsuccessfully (yet enjoyably) attempting to capture a league crown the B.A.A.C. beat arch-nemesis DTU on the final day of the season to win the league by one singular point. Every single player on the team celebrated immediately following the final whistle by doing a duck.
 
"It was the only way to celebrate. It was a glorious victory and there's only one gloriously victorious way to chug a beer."
 
said B.A.A.C. social chair Ben Fell
 
After this historic victory the club and Don Mallardo retired to the Mercury Lounge where the celebration continued and many ducks ensued. One particular player celebrated a little harder than the rest. He celebrated so hard that he pooped his pants and forced the weekly dinner that his family were hosting to be cancelled...which is awesome. He celebrated so hard that wore Don Mallardo home on his head...which was not a first. And he celebrated so hard that he FORGOT TO TELL HIS WIFE NOT TO THROW HIM AWAY!
 
Danny Kern you partied so hard that you pooped your pants, which is exactly what this club was founded on. But Danny, you allowed for one of the club's most treasured items to be discarded at the expense of your legendary poop story, and for that you may not ever be excused. Don Mallardo was older than the entire section of town you live in. If he were a child he would have been a freshman in high school this year. He was 14 years old. Many of us don't own anything we had fourteen years ago, let alone a plastic mallard that had been customized into a drinking device. Not only that, he was used at parties. I lost my right thumb and my dad's van at a party once, yet Don Mallardo survived it all...until you killed him.
 
Don Mallardo was survived by his estranged wife Dawn Mallardo and his two estranged cousins Don Flamingo and Don Goosetavo. Though they all live elsewhere now and are not available for chugging beers.
 
People from judges to criminals had done ducks. From 15 year olds to 81 year olds, famous and wealthy, poor and unfanciable, beautiful girls, douche bag frat ass-holes...everyone felt cooler (and bloated) when knocking back a duck. On the chest of Don Mallardo (at eye level when you were chugging) written in worn out old sharpie on a worn out piece of old duct tape read the words: Don Mallardo Says: Drink it all

We will Don. We will.
 
Pay your respects to Don Mallardo in our Forum HERE