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Goodbye Ole' Buddy

Forums: R.I.P. Don Mallardo:
Created on: 11/19/09 12:02 AM Views: 4006 Replies: 11
Goodbye Ole' Buddy
Posted Thursday, November 19, 2009 at 12:02 AM

Don Mallardo and I didn't have alot of history, but my fondest moment with Don was during a Fun-ducking challenge at Rehab lounge. The competition was fierce but Don and I connected that evening. Together we blew past the competition. That is until someone threw us off our game and switched our flavor of boons to Melon.

To Don... Had you been filled with a sweeter flavor of Boone's may I could have worn you home on my head, much like Danny "Murderer" Kern.


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RE: Goodbye Ole' Buddy
Posted Thursday, November 19, 2009 at 2:34 AM

Don was the greatest man I ever knew. I am drunk now, but my drunkness pales in comparison to an evening of furious ducking. Is it gay that I'm crying right now?

Love always,

RE: Goodbye Ole' Buddy
Posted Thursday, November 19, 2009 at 4:08 PM

I also have a story about "Don" (oh how I miss that lil' guy). We were after game ducking @ the Rehab when we deceided to have a small contest to see just who the fastest "ducker" would be. Now Christopher Martin was there, and Martin has never lost a drinking game of any kind, jumped in and ducked one in the blistering time of four seconds...followed by a quack, burp, and a partial vomit. I quickly volunteered for next in line (knowing full-well that I could squash my nephew) loaded a beer and ducked it (you guessed it) in exactly 4 seconds. What exactly happened next is anyones guess...either from the blistering four second pace or the cardiac arrest that followed from consuming that much cold beer that fast...I forgot to quack, burp, or partially vomit. I was immediately disqualified from the competition and have lived the life of a recluse ever since. I had hoped to someday get another shot @ Mr. Mallardo, but learning of his demise, I have no choice but to search for him, spending my final days trying, hoping, and most importantly missing my last opportunity to regain the title of the "Worlds fastest ducker". I am a shell of a man. I am nothing. Good-by Don.

RE: Goodbye Ole' Buddy
Posted Thursday, November 19, 2009 at 4:29 PM

To Don Mallardo, his family, and friends,
I met Don Mallardo in 1997. I had been running from the law in Texas for trying to steal a keg of Guiness with a one-armed punker named Jake Cripple, and I was still a-stink from my long journey. Having just "ducked" the TABC in Dallas, "swanned" the Red River, and "goosed" the wrong girl at Stuckey's, I arrived at 3711 S. Riverside a tattered(red-neck for tattooed) and broke man. And who was waiting inside, ready with a cold beer and a warm, down blanket, but Don Mallardo?
Over the years I perfected the shot-gun, beer-bong, glass, and bottle. I celebrated victory at super quarters, 3-man, and sex-dice. I screamed "RRRRobin Hoodt" during many a "round-the-world" match and was president far more than asshole, but I never quite mastered you, Don. I know you're still out there whether in this life or the next, and I'll see you again, my fine feathered fiend, ready to giverago! Hasta la bye-bye, your humble servant, Old "FHG" Mondragon

p.s. Set the table for us, Don.

Edited 12/07/09 9:22 PM
RE: Goodbye Ole' Buddy
Posted Thursday, November 19, 2009 at 4:51 PM

I don't even know where to begin to pay my respects to The Don. I loved Don since the first time I met him back in '95. We instantly hit it off--who knew?! (well everyone--I'm a lush!!) He was always there, beckoning me to have MORE BEERS--and honestly, I liked that about him. We shared some truly wonderful moments--the "legendary summer of '97" in the sex pool--Don had gotten me so wasted I didn't realize I was the only one NOT having sex in the sex pool--I was just chillin' minding my own business--lovin' me some ducks and nothing else mattered. I also remember waking up to him the next morning after some intense games of super quarters and wanting to die. He lived in my house with the FILTHY boys on Brookside for a few years and it was right around that time when we discovered FUN DUCKERS. I was getting older and beers just weren't doing it for me. Boones Farm was a natural progression. And the Don didn't mind. As long as we were ducking, he was happy.
One of my fondest memories is the following:
Sonny and I had ducked about 50 beers one night when Christopher had gone out of town. We'd had a RAGER at his house while he was in Seattle and decided to cap the evening (well, morning at this point) with a little game of HB. OF COURSE we decided that Alicia was totally cool to drive. We left Don safe and sound and ventured out into the dark night with some road beers (high life to be exact). We saw police officers on the highway and pulled over into a nearby hotel. When the coast was clear Alicia threw it into REVERSE instead of DRIVE and we ended up in the hotel lobby! Sonny and I chugged our beers and leaned out the window and yelled, "We'd like a room please!!!!". We decided the cops would probably recognize our car so we went back home and hid the evidence and drove Christo's car instead! Of course the cops were waiting at Alicia's house but she didn't go home until she'd ducked one more beer!
Oh Don!!! I will really miss you. We've made so many memories because of you and your unwaivering commitment to our fun and inebriation and I don't know how I'll be ok without you.
Don Mallardo was always the best at bringing people together--just like Sonny said in his article. Let's keep his spirit alive and remember the wonderful friendships we've all cherished over the past 15 or more years.
Love to all,

RE: Goodbye Ole' Buddy
Posted Thursday, November 19, 2009 at 6:03 PM

Oh Don! Boone's will never be the same. I promise I will never open a bottle of Strawberry Hill without thinking fondly of you. May we only hope some homeless bum found you in the dumpseter that you may be reborn. RIP.

RE: Goodbye Ole' Buddy
Posted Thursday, November 19, 2009 at 6:14 PM

I've dreaded this day over the past weeks worried cold alone much like a lost child. My dear Don life with you was a never ending daydream I could never remember the end of, and life without you will be less satisfying to say the least. Know that I will miss your soft feathers upon my cheeks and the delivery of your sweet nectar. Goodbye dear friend may angels with huge titties guide you to heaven

RE: Goodbye Ole' Buddy
Posted Thursday, November 19, 2009 at 7:17 PM

It is unfortunate for me that I did not know him longer, but I was not introduced to Don until sometime in 2005 at Rehab Lounge after a BAAC game...I remember it well, bc it was a bracket-style competition. I had never done a "fun-ducker" before, but Rehab was specially stocked with Boones for the occasion. I lost horribly, but Don said I gave it a good shot for my first try...there were many more to come over the years! He was a good man and definitely on the list of my very best friends in life. I miss Tulsa and all those people dearly. The only regret that I have is that he never once made a late-night (but more, early morning) drunken run to Wal-Mart with me (which I seem to do often when I am in Tulsa and with Sonny or Josh). For that, I am sorry Don. You will be missed.
--Matt J--

Edited 11/19/09 7:18 PM
RE: Goodbye Ole' Buddy
Posted Friday, November 20, 2009 at 11:46 AM

My first experience with Don was when I was a young 19 year old boy with lots of was 6:00 am and he made me demand McGriddles, loudly, to some black and Mexican people at McD's...God love him

RE: Goodbye Ole' Buddy
Posted Friday, November 20, 2009 at 1:39 PM

Oh Don Mallardo...I too was there in your first days. You were clean and I was not afraid of getting mouth diseases while consuming a case of miller high life from your beak. I have fond memories of the '97 sex pool and the first fun-duckers...I prefered strawberry hill personally. Oh and thank you to Caren for stealing said sex pool from some unsuspecting 5 year old's yard. Another great don mallardo memory involved sara and a game of strip poker that she lost. Those there will remember how that turned out. Looking back, it's probably a good thing they tore christo's old house down taking with it all the rediculous (yet very fun) shinanigans with it. Ah Don Mallardo, it's the end of an era. Thank you for 14 years of very great memories!
XOXO, Work It Burkit

RE: Goodbye Ole' Buddy
Posted Saturday, November 21, 2009 at 4:43 AM

Chitoy here. I must keep this short. I am tryng to masturbate. Don Mallardo's faux father finally speaks. You must remember that this post comes from a man that lost a son. His ONLY son. A man that to this day only drinks out of his (or another's) hands. Or recently of course, if I am drunk, I have been known to chug Pabst or Boone's out of a dirty soccer sock that I wrote Don on with a dying Sharpie revived simply by my tears. But who hasn't? Right? I am low on time and blood pressure so I'm going to get to it. What follows is the real truth. Don Mallardo was born in 1995 as a result of a domestic partnership between myself and a man known simply as The Great Billoto. We were not lovers.....we were fathers to be. But it wasn't all caesars and coneys. I did not want to drink any faster at the time. Plus, I was busy working on my badminton stroke and was tryng to understand retarded Oklahoma law. I had even considered aborting HIS idea to cut the bottom out of a perfectly good decoy followed by hacking off its beak. But I am liberal and I let him choose. It was his body. To quote Ween, "You can speak with a turtle just by flippin him around." I gave in and let him give birth. And boy were we the fools. We flipped that little fucker over, dumped a bunch of beer in his ass and got busy. It was very romantic.. Oh, we were so young and unencumbered by the pressures of adulthood. Anyway, what ensued was an outstanding affair that changed the world. The rest is history. I miss him and I miss you all. Very much. Oh, and I only puked in it once.

RE: Goodbye Ole' Buddy
Posted Sunday, November 22, 2009 at 8:17 PM

It has been years since I have seen my one true son. It was a very sad night when I got the call from Christo to tell me of our family's loss. Don's grandfather was created at my fraternity in Castleton, Vermont in the winter of 89. It was yet only known as "The Duck". Years later I created Don's father while living in Angel Fire, New Mexico and running a snowboard shop. He was lost in a tragic ski lift accident after only a short time on this earth. It wasn't until my move back to Tulsa and living with Christo that the birth of Don was blessed upon us. I convinced Christo of the madness and we drove to Academy Sports to find our soon to be. It wasn't hunting season - but we were able to find the last decoy they had. We went back to the house - did the operation - and our new baby boy was born. It was blessing that non of Tulsa was ready for. Many parties were held and Don soon expanded the family - first there was Dawn Mallardo (Don's wife) a smaller version who didn't make it that long - then we created Don's long lost cousin - Don Flaminco (a lawn flamingo) who just didn't have the right stuff. When it came down to it - Don Mallardo was the best - because he was the original. Though my time had already past on the pitch - and never dawned the jersey of this team - The Great Billoto has always had a tie to its origin. Don Mallardo was my son - and I know that he is up there looking down on the pitch and smiling on you - long live the memory of Don!

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